The Great Tooth Fairy Fail

In the past five years, the tooth fairy has made numerous trips to our house to drop off some one dollar bills. She takes that fat stack and shoves it under the pillow, usually around midnight or 2am when she has woken up with the startling realization that she is a worthless tooth fairy who never remembers to do her job before she falls asleep. Unlike Santa Claus, that overambitious overachiever who always has presents under the tree on Christmas morning.

Sometimes our tooth fairy scrounges for change in pockets and on the bottom of washing machines like a drug abuser looking for money for the next fix. Sometimes she texts neighbors begging for money like a whore. Sometimes she steals borrows the kids money to give back to them under their pillow like a petty thief.

Oftentimes our tooth fairy finds it nothing short of a miracle that she has woken from a dead sleep to remember that money needs to be placed under those little toothless children’s pillows, like God himself has come down and tapped her on the shoulder and told her to stop being a lazy slouch.

When the tooth fairy, the very person responsible for dispensing wads of cash in return for disgusting small teeth with blood on them, goes to negotiate this transaction she cannot always find the tooth so she just shoves the money under the pillow. In the morning, the children are disappointed that the tooth fairy did not even bother to take their teeth.

In the last few months the tooth fairy has just become unmanageable. It’s not that she doesn’t care. It’s not that she doesn’t love the kids with the missing teeth. It’s that she has spent hundreds of dollars in cash trading for teeth and she is over it. She has spent another few hundred dollars in therapy trying to manage the stress created by the pressure of being the tooth fairy for so many years.

There is an endless supply of teeth that fall out. When will it ever end?

She has simply been forgetting to do the exchange. God is no longer tapping on her shoulder to wake her from her dreams of lying on the beach with Zac Efron vacationing with her family. The children wake up and anxiously look under their pillow to find that there is still a bloody tooth, but no money.

IMG_8059

Yesterday one of V’s classmates yanked her front tooth out. Luckily it was ready to come out. There was a lot of excitement around this lost tooth and the wonderful tooth fairy who would be [hopefully] paying a visit that night.

Except the tooth fairy was sleeping very soundly, like she had taken a couple of Ambien and washed them down with a bottle of whiskey. Don’t worry, she didn’t really do this. The tooth fairy is no drunk. She is just a sound sleeper.

This morning Ava, who is nearly 11, came downstairs and whispered and important message in our ears. And I quote:

“I covered for your tooth fairy fail guys,” she said. “You forgot to put money under V’s pillow so I went and put $6 under there this morning.”

The price of teeth just went up. That’s what we get for being lazy no-good tooth fairies.

Until next time, the mothership is signing off.

Exciting News!

  I have an essay in this hilarious book about pregnancy and delivery called It’s Really 10 Months: Special Delivery, being released on Labor Day (get it? Labor Day!). The essay is about my tribulations during the birthing process with Ava. I haven’t let Ava read it yet because she is 10, almost 11, and…

How To Make Homemade Lemonade Taught By A 7-Year-Old

Our family loves lemonade, especially homemade lemonade. Chris and Elsa created a video together  on how to make fresh squeezed lemonade. I have to say this is the best lemonade I have ever tasted. I prefer my lemonade a little less sweet so I add a little more water than the average person. If you like lemonade,…

VOTE FOR ME! 10 Great Back-To-School Organizational Tips

I’m up on Today Parenting today with an article on how to be successful and organized going back to school this year. If you like the article, vote for me and it moves up in the ranks. I have no idea if anything will ever come of it but I welcome a call from Matt…

Back To School Responsibilities Chart

We are back to school tomorrow, as I’m sure a lot of other kids are, so I thought I would share the Daily Responsibilities Chart that our family came up with to help make the process of back-to-school as happy and stress-free as possible. When kids have the boundaries and responsibilities laid out in front…

Swimming Wimps

We have a pool in our backyard with an attached hot tub. As a kid I would’ve loved to have a pool in my backyard. I would have spent the entire summer season swimming in that pool. Kids aren’t supposed to give two shits about the temperature of water when they are presented with a…

Why The Internet Hate About Walter Palmer Matters

Also seen on Huffington Post, The World Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-woolsey/walter-palmer-internet_b_7891756.html You may think you are having a bad day, but I assure you Walter Palmer, DDS, wild animal murderer, is having a worse one. Everyone has probably heard of Walter Palmer by now. He is a dentist from Minnesota who paid $50,000 to hire a guided hunt…

Thanks for visiting The Hip Mothership! Please spread the word :)