The Great Tooth Fairy Fail

In the past five years, the tooth fairy has made numerous trips to our house to drop off some one dollar bills. She takes that fat stack and shoves it under the pillow, usually around midnight or 2am when she has woken up with the startling realization that she is a worthless tooth fairy who never remembers to do her job before she falls asleep. Unlike Santa Claus, that overambitious overachiever who always has presents under the tree on Christmas morning.

Sometimes our tooth fairy scrounges for change in pockets and on the bottom of washing machines like a drug abuser looking for money for the next fix. Sometimes she texts neighbors begging for money like a whore. Sometimes she steals borrows the kids money to give back to them under their pillow like a petty thief.

Oftentimes our tooth fairy finds it nothing short of a miracle that she has woken from a dead sleep to remember that money needs to be placed under those little toothless children’s pillows, like God himself has come down and tapped her on the shoulder and told her to stop being a lazy slouch.

When the tooth fairy, the very person responsible for dispensing wads of cash in return for disgusting small teeth with blood on them, goes to negotiate this transaction she cannot always find the tooth so she just shoves the money under the pillow. In the morning, the children are disappointed that the tooth fairy did not even bother to take their teeth.

In the last few months the tooth fairy has just become unmanageable. It’s not that she doesn’t care. It’s not that she doesn’t love the kids with the missing teeth. It’s that she has spent hundreds of dollars in cash trading for teeth and she is over it. She has spent another few hundred dollars in therapy trying to manage the stress created by the pressure of being the tooth fairy for so many years.

There is an endless supply of teeth that fall out. When will it ever end?

She has simply been forgetting to do the exchange. God is no longer tapping on her shoulder to wake her from her dreams of lying on the beach with Zac Efron vacationing with her family. The children wake up and anxiously look under their pillow to find that there is still a bloody tooth, but no money.


Yesterday one of V’s classmates yanked her front tooth out. Luckily it was ready to come out. There was a lot of excitement around this lost tooth and the wonderful tooth fairy who would be [hopefully] paying a visit that night.

Except the tooth fairy was sleeping very soundly, like she had taken a couple of Ambien and washed them down with a bottle of whiskey. Don’t worry, she didn’t really do this. The tooth fairy is no drunk. She is just a sound sleeper.

This morning Ava, who is nearly 11, came downstairs and whispered and important message in our ears. And I quote:

“I covered for your tooth fairy fail guys,” she said. “You forgot to put money under V’s pillow so I went and put $6 under there this morning.”

The price of teeth just went up. That’s what we get for being lazy no-good tooth fairies.

Until next time, the mothership is signing off.

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