This afro nappy hair hot mess is Eva. She is a disaster. She wasn’t always this way, though.  She used to be well-groomed, preppy and attractive.  Now she looks like she has had an addiction to methamphetamines for the past two years.  Or perhaps she is a crack-head.

Ava is concerned about the state of Eva’s hair.  She wants it combed and she wants Eva to look presentable.  A few weeks ago on the way home from the bus stop she randomly asked me if I would help her fix Eva’s hair when we got home.  Her friend who had gotten off the bus with Ava piped in that she would help fix Eva’s hair because she has lots of American Girl dolls and she is very good at fixing their hair.

Here is the problem.  Eva is not an American Girl doll.  A few years ago for Christmas Ava asked for an American Girl doll.  Chris and I debated about whether we should buy her this stupidly expensive doll for months.  American Girl dolls cost around $150 a doll, and this does not include all of the outrageously priced miniature outfits and stupid pet companions.

The conclusion was we will not fork out money for an American Girl Doll with all the accessories only to find shoes and outfits scattered in every nook and cranny of my house, forgotten and discarded, a month later.

We went to Target and bought Eva. Eva was the $20 knockoff of the American Girl doll. Quite a bargain.  Eva is the white trash trailer park cousin to her American Girl doll counterpart.  To this day, Ava has absolutely no idea that Eva is the white trash cousin.  She thinks she has a real American Girl doll.  It is brilliant.

Another problem arose.  When Ava’s friend came over to comb Eva’s hair because “she is so good at combing American Girl doll hair,” I feared my deception would be exposed.  The friend was confused about why she could not run a brush through this crazy bitches hair.

No, Eva does not have American Girl doll hair.  I don’t know what they made Eva’s hair out of at some sweatshop in China, but it is definitely not soft and luxurious and fixable like American Girl doll hair.  Eva’s hair is definitely flammable because it feels and smells like it is filled with chemicals.  I could not run a brush through this hair either.  I tried for way too long to get Eva’s hair to a presentable place, but it is just not possible.

Yesterday Ava came up to me holding Eva and she said it her most sad and pathetic voice, “momma, Eva has a broken leg!”  Sure enough, Eva’s leg had suffered some sort of trauma because it half hanging off her cheap plastic hip-joint.

Eva has issues.

The bottom line is that Eva needs to go to rehab.  She needs to move out from under that trailer park she came from. Ava and I cannot help her.  Ava’s friend cannot help her.  No one can.  She needs to help herself.

Until next time, the mothership is signing off.

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The American Girl Doll’s White Trash Cousin
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3 thoughts on “The American Girl Doll’s White Trash Cousin

  • February 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    This may or may not be reassuring, but my daughters both had multiple American Girl dolls and their hair isn’t so great either! I ended up having to send their two original dolls to the American Girl hospital where were given head transplants because their hair was wrecked from enthusiastic shampooing and styling by their owners. (They did get cute hospital gowns)

    • February 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

      Lynne – that’s so funny! I know -part of the fun is messing with the hair but that’s how it gets ruined. I didn’t know they had American Girl dolls back then.


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