The tooth fairy in charge of our house really sucks.  Basically, she forgets to come until the wee hours of the morning and then she doesn’t have any dollar bills so she is left scouring the house for spare change at 2am.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that Ava called bullshit on the tooth fairy a long time ago.  She believes in Santa Clause wholeheartedly, but she feels that the concept of the tooth fairy is far fetched.

The last time Ava lost a tooth she harrassed me for hours to try and pry the truth about he tooth fairy out of me.  I would not waver on my position that the tooth fairy only comes if you believe in her, so you better believe in her or there will not be any pathetic loose change under the pillow when she wakes up.  Well, on this particular occasion, after selling Ava so hard on the truth of the tooth fairy, I really screwed the whole thing up. It was about 11pm and time for bed when Chris and I realized that we hadn’t left money under Ava’s pillow. I was so tired that I could barely see straight so I wandered around the house in my underwear looking for spare change.  I resorted to grabbing the spare change jar in the laundry room and scoured it for bigger change like quarters or maybe even half dollars if I hit the jackpot.  I tried to avoid the Mexican pesos, Costa Rican colona or the South African rand that are randomly floating around in that jar.

I go upstairs with $4 in American spare change and I place it under Ava’s pillow.  I cannot find the tooth anywhere. It is dark and I am exhausted and I basically say screw it.  Between now and 6am I will have to formulate a story about why the tooth fairy who Ava doesn’t even believe in left money but didn’t take the tooth with her.

The next morning Ava comes downstairs and immediately sees the change jar on the coffee bar that I forgot to put away.  There are discarded pennies and nickels and rands all over the place.  Ava is pissed.  “See!  I told there was no such thing as the tooth fairy!!  That is the change you grabbed for under my pillow. AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN TAKE MY TOOTH!”

I was still asleep in the bedroom when this went down. Chris came in and woke me up and told me that we have a problem with the tooth fairy story . . . we left the change by the coffee maker and Ava is pissed!

Ava pressured me all that day to tell her the truth that I am the tooth fairy until I eventually caved. Ava was relieved to know the truth.

So today I took Ava to the dentist for a surprise double tooth extraction.  The dentist had told us that we should have Ava’s two eye teeth on the bottom pulled to make room for her other permanent teeth.  This is a technique being done to prevent orthodontic work in the future, or at least lessen it.  This is the hope.

We get in the car after the tooth extraction and Ava states very flatly: “this is how it is going to go – since I know that you are the tooth fairy I am going to give you these teeth and you are going to give me money.” I counter by saying very flatly, “non-believers do not receive money. ”

After Ava is asleep I try my hardest not to be the worst tooth fairy on the block.  I write a note in my best incognito handwriting.  I scrummage through  my change and find $3.25.  I even throw in a pass for Fairytale Town that I had in my desk.  I carefully put the change jar away so I will not blow my cover.  I leave the tooth fairy note and money on the nightstand and take the teeth and note with me.

The next morning Ava comes downstairs unmoved by the tooth fairies efforts.  She says, “I lost 2 teeth and I only got $3.25 and this pass to Fairytale Town.  I don’t even like Fairytale Town!”  She promptly started rummaging through my desk for evidence of more Fairytale Town passes to further prove that I am the tooth fairy. She found it.

I guess I was just not cut out to be a tooth fairy.

Until next time, the mothership is signing off.

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The Worst Tooth Fairy On The Block

One thought on “The Worst Tooth Fairy On The Block

  • February 22, 2014 at 11:54 pm

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